


all i could do was love you (and let you go)

by smokingthedrugs



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Marriage, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, breaking up, jer is cathy, mike is jamie, the last five years au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 11:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14307996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokingthedrugs/pseuds/smokingthedrugs
Summary: A journey through the last five years of Michael and Jeremy's relationship, from start to finish.





	all i could do was love you (and let you go)

_Michael was over, Michael was gone._

The words rang through Jeremy's head, playing over and over again like a broken record. Like the last two pages of a story book, a horrible cliffhanger which just cut off abruptly, like Michael had done to their relationship.

Michael had decided, it seemed, that it was time to move on with their lives. That what they had had finally fizzled out, that there was no way to keep their rocky marriage together any longer.

Michael had new dreams, that he'd been holding him back from. Jeremy was the weight on his shoulders, the one tugging him back whenever he moved any further.

Michael had gotten over him. He was _happy_ , but all Jeremy could do was wallow in their unbearably quiet apartment, that was lacking the usual bubbly energy that his husband never ceased to provide.

He felt the beginnings of a smile crack onto his lips at the nostalgic thought, only being wiped away by the sob that had crawled up his throat, coming out watery and broken.

 _Ex_ -husband.

He needed to get it through his head, that goddamn thick skull of his, as Michael had so poetically put it only a few weeks ago. But, _god_ , the reality was just too much for him.

He just wanted Michael to burst through their door, rays of light and happiness following, and filling the room with the same joy it had possessed all of those years ago, when their love burned bright.

But that wasn't going to happen. The flame had flickered out too soon.

And now, Michael was _gone_.

And _shit_ , was he hurting.

He stared down at Michael's desk, the old, worn one that he'd brought when they first moved in together, the one he'd spend hours upon hours writing on, staying up until early hours of the morning no matter _how_ hard Jeremy had tried to drag him into bed.

The paper atop it was white, almost pristinely so, and the words written across it, ink black and barely smudged, was uncharacteristically neat. Michael had always been pretty horrible at handwriting, ironically, but now Jeremy wasn't faced with his usual messy writing scrawled along the page; but stared down at unfamiliar, clean and clear lettering to punctuate the bitter words. The bitter _truth_.

Next to the paper sat Michael's house keys, still decorated with Sharpie from _ages_ ago, and, most heartbreakingly, a set of rings. Their wedding and engagement rings, of course. The same two rings that he'd _never_ seen Michael without, even while he was _very_ noticeably flirting with the guys at his _stupid_ parties that were much more attractive than he was.

They hadn't left Michael's hand since they'd first been put there. But, as the letter next to it read; Michael didn't want that anymore.

Michael was convinced that their problems were unable to be fixed, the problems that were the cause of _Jeremy_ , and Jeremy only.

It was almost humorous, how Michael _still_ managed to blame him for everything, even now. Even after he'd tried _so hard_ to fix them.

He attempted not to let the tears fall, blinking away the bleariness in his eyes for the umpteenth time that day, but, again, he _couldn't help it._

What about their _entire_ life? Everything they'd done, everything they'd established _together_. They were supposed to be a _team_. Until death do them part. That's what they swore- what _Michael_ had sworn to him. He'd sworn to stay by his side, to be true, but he'd left after barely any time, with nothing but a heartfelt letter.

Of course, right? Jeremy just couldn't find a person who wanted to stay with him, even _after_ wedding vows.

He wiped at his eyes, standing up finally and letting his feet move him elsewhere.

He couldn't be in the living room anymore. Not with all of the memories, the rings, the _everything_.

Though, as he walked to the kitchen, all he could see was memories; Old pictures, posters, newspaper articles Jeremy had framed about Michael's book...

He found himself stopping in his place, slumping back against the mantle. The one with _countless_ pictures of the two, from their wedding ceremony, to their first party, the day they'd moved in together..

It hurt. More than ever, but it was all he had. All that he could see of Michael anymore, because now he had left. He was _sure_ that something so... _incredible_ had died, and that Jeremy wasn't going to keep him back any longer from pursuing what he'd always wanted to. Whatever that was.

Michael had so many secrets he hadn't confided, but he'd found out soon enough. Michael was probably going off to another man's house already, one so much better than him, one who wasn't so horribly annoying and controlling, one that _didn't_ drive him to just... pack up and leave after only five years.

He clenched his hands into fists at the thought, them trembling at his sides pitifully.

God- screw Michael. Let him hide from his responsibilities, run away and just... find something better than what he already had. It was _never_ enough with Michael, everything was a stepping stone on the way to his _much_ more important career. Everyone was a pawn, including Jeremy.

He could run all he wanted, Jeremy didn't care anymore. He could... write the sun away for all he cared. Pretend that it was just... _simple_ , that it was _right_. That leaving a home, a _marriage_ behind was a perfectly logical plan, that it didn't leave so much _hurt_ behind. That he _wasn't_ completely tearing Jeremy apart, and not changing and fucking up everything he'd ever wanted. All he'd had for _years_ now.

His hands shook, along with the rest of his body as the dam broke once again, another wave of tears running down his cheeks, and his breath catching with every son he let out.

No matter how hard he wanted to believe he was okay, that he was just as happy and carefree as Michael must've been, it wasn't true. It hurt _so_ badly, and he just couldn't hide it.

He couldn't hide his complete and utter desperation, how much he wanted Michael back. That way, at least they could have talked it out. Maybe Michael could have helped him see just why he thought there were no chances left, at all.

But, he couldn't change the fact; Michael was over, and he had absolutely _nowhere_ to turn. He usually depended on Michael for just that, for comfort and advice, but that was gone, of course, along with the man himself.

He was on his own now, covered in fresh wounds and scars, and in even worse of a spot than he'd been five years ago. He had _nothing_ to earn from any of this, except maybe some sort of lesson to learn.

Maybe he should just give up? He _knew_ Michael was just a placebo, someone who made him _think_ he was okay, think that he wasn't completely broken and ruined, and he didn't even have that anymore.

He looked down, trying to catch his breath, as his gaze stuck on his wrist, wrapped with all of the watches that Michael had gotten him throughout the years. Four, so far, all different, but ticking in unison. It had already been three hours since he'd gotten home, he observed through cloudy eyes.

With shaky, uncoordinated fingers, he undid the tiny buckles and clips at the back of the watches, placing them, one by one, onto the mantle. The one holding so many memories, like Michael. That present was gone, now. No matter how much he wanted... he couldn't live it anymore. Not _alone_.

Once they were all off, Jeremy rubbed his arm unconsciously, feeling so... _bare_. The tears hadn't quite stopped, but they'd calmed, now dribbling down his face at a slower, yet constant pace. He wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand, taking a long, deep breath.

The watches were one thing, but...

He looked at his left hand, and toward the living room, to Michael's desk, to the rings.

He slipped those off, as well, looking away as he placed them with his other keepsakes.

He _hated_ this. Absolutely despised what had happened, what was happening, but at this point, he hadn't a choice.

He wrapped his arms around himself, hands bunching in the fabric of his shirt as he walked away once more, back to the desk, back to the awful letter.

_Michael was over, Michael was gone._

_And Jeremy was still hurting._

**Author's Note:**

> the last five years au!!! i fuckin love both of these musicals, and thought a crossover thing was necessary. michael is jamie, jeremy is cathy, and all of the events take place just as the musical portrayed. with some twists, though, duh.


End file.
